Father Emmanuel d’Alzon and I met at the estate of Father Combalot’s mother for the first time!!! He’s a valued preacher who belonged to Lammenais' school of thought. He, too, is Father Combalot’s friend!!!

September 1838

Father Combalot shared at his preaching in Sarlat, france about the work of the Assumption. He learned about this girl, Josephine who wanted to join the Assumption. She and I are writing letters to each other. At one letter she shared…

"I love you as if I had always known you"

A day in 1838.

I have been following a program made by Father Combalot. It covers much of the great tradition of the Church. Alphonsus Liguori is my master. Scripture is my favorite study, btw. :) Although I am drwan to both Teresa of Avila and Augustine in spirituality. I study German 2 hours a day, and Latin and English also 1 hour each.

Religious education being a need at this time, it seemed to us that our new family should devote itself to it and try to introduce into it all the new and intelligent models- all that was new in Catholic thought - with the entire movement carried out in that particular direction. Well, I am still in contact with Father Combalot. My last letter to him..

I am reading your philosophy, my dear Father. Well! I am infinitely sorry that you haven't rewritten this work. There are some beautiful things and yet, due to lack of style and care, it is becoming extremely tiring to read.

August 15, 1838

It's 10 days before my birthday and my father made me move somewhere here south of France. He thought the climate would do me good. It does! :D Today, I stepped into the cloister of the convent of the Visitation. Here, I experienced my true joy in entering the house of my God. My joy was intensified by the warm welcome of the sisters and they are the ones who will be teaching me the fundamentals of religious and monastic life.

Is it still 1837? ........ Nah.M

I am, of course, still in contact with Father Combalot. My letter..

As for Lamartine's Chute d'un Ange, would you like me to read it? I'm warning you that I'll take your silence for consent.. because I always end up doing what I feel like doing even as I reproach myself for it. You are a little too late with your forbidding me to read Father Orsini; it's finished! I really wish, dearest Father, that you wouldn't always forbid me to read what isn't exactly according to your ideas.

August 24, 1837

Father Combalot told me that I should tell them that I simply wanted to be a nun and no more. And I was to answer, "I don't know." if they asked me where. So, I did. My father was against my entrance to religious life. Tomorrow is my 20th birthday. So in one year, I'll be free and I will give my all to our work, no matter what happens. Now I couldn't bear my father's tenderness then I could his harshness! Louis... my old playmate Louis.. my brother whom I have shared everything! found my desires incomprehensible. :S I just had to cry many tears. BUT, I am still determined to follow my heart.. father or none.. brother or none.

July 1837.

Today I went home to Lorraine.. for the 1st time in 5 years! I have not been here since my mother's death. They all surrounded me with curiosity. I guess they were surprised to see that the little girl they saw before is now a young woman. :)

Sunday 1 after Easterrr. And it's still 1837. :)

I recieved the Sacrament of Confirmation today at the chapel of the archbishop of Paris. This day was decisive! My vocation was determined. Confirmation for me was the door to a new life. Now, I am not alone. The spirit is with me. :)

Still going anyway. :P 1837

I am still continuing to struggle. I am very willing to enter the Daughters of Charity to take care of the poor and the sick but I just keep on crying as I feel the weight of the work Father Combalot asserts that God is entrusting to me. I am struggling against the Holy Spirit, and I am trying to escape from him, but i praise God, up to now I have been defeated in the struggle; as soon as I entrust myself completely to God, I feel a peace so profound and so sweet that I am consoled by it. THE SPIRIT IS STRUGGLING IN ME LIKE AN EAAAAAAAAAAAGLE! Xp

Okay, I'm done. 1837

I have decided that I should quit him already. He lacks reason and restraint and that frightened me so I have decided to leave him. I sent him a note by the sacristan BUT he still motioned me to the confessional! He said that I must not leave him and that God wills that I should stay under my direction. Now, I AM VERY ANXIOUS. But, should I trust this impetuous priest? Father Combalot said that it was necessary "to rebuild everythingon Christ, to make both Him and His church known, to extend the limits of his kingdom." I told him that I am not familiar with religious life and that I have everything to learn. I am incapable of founding something in the church of God. He said that it is Jesus Christ who will be the founder of our Assumption; we shall be only instruments, and, in the hands of God, the weakest ones are the strongest.

Another day of 1837

Okay, so the 2nd interview was not that satisfying either but I'll still continue to take his advice. Gotta Go. :)

These days of 1837

I talked to Father Combalot. He asked me if I had a great devotion to the Blessed Virgin. "Not as much as I would like." And he said that there's nothing to be done with me! But, he still says that I should meet with him tomorrow. So tomorrow, I will go to his confessional at 6:30 am before he has Mass.

Lent. 1837

I had a strange dream last night. I was in a big church that I have never been in. It was beautiful! :D The priest was looking straight at me then I heard a voice, "There is the guide you are looking for, the one who will show the path on which you are to walk." Today, I was urged by 2 of my realtives to accompany them to the church of St. Eustache to hear a famous preacher. When I entered the church I was so surprised to see that that was the very same church and the very same priest. FATHER COMBALOT. Father Combalot is 40, yet he is very well-known throughout France. Today, I was not that impressed with his sermon. Not impressed, impressed.. but it really didn't have any connection to what I was thinking of.

Waiting. 1837

I have been waiting for a year. I listened to what Father Lacordaire advised me, "Pray and wait." I dream of being a man so I could be used in great ways like them. Hehehe. My aunt's house is located near a church-- St. Sulpice so that's the church where I often take "refuge" in. :P All I need to do is close the doors of St. Sulpice in order to be moved to tears by Jesus Christ's extreme love for me and by his presence on our altars.

Lent. 1836

Notre Dame. There were so many people and the old basilica was so crowded. I prepared my questions before God. The words said by Father Lacordaire were like directed to me! And so I wrote to him..

Your words answered all my thoughts. They completed my understanding of things; they gave me a new generosity, a faith that nithing could even be able to make waver again. I was truly converted!

My conversion lead to my call to give all my strength, or rather, all my weakness to this church which, alone, in my eyes. had the secret and the power of Good on this earth.

Winter. 1835

I was sent by my father to Aunt Foulon.

A change in living situation brought me to the home of some very pious women.. it was perhaps an even greater danger. They bored me, struck me as narrow-minded.

I could doubt the immortality of our soul but I involutarily pushed away everything that attacked the sacrament of our altars; and, when at the church, I saw the hostin the hands of the priest, I begged it inspite of myself to make me like it and to draw me higher. But my upbringing, where Christ was for naught, barred my way to this great devotion.

Another day in 1832. :|

I have been spending my days with Ms. Douclet, the wife of a chief tax collector in Chalons. But.... still there is this unsatisfaction I can't quench.

.. which wearies me and weighs me down. I would like to know everything, analyze everything, and, plunging into the frightening regions of my mind, proceed blodly, pursued by some restless need of knowledge and truth which nothing can satisfy. Tired of myself, I would like to blot out this mind of mine, quiet, stop its probings... I am all alone, alone in the world and in a bitter isolation of spirit. What difference does it make to have all there people coming around me with their joyful laughter in which I even join, these friends who shake my hand without bothering to find out if I am suffering... When I am with them, I am more alone than ever; if I were to die tomorrow, I would be forgotten the day after. Nobody would come to pray at my tomb.

I find myself completely taken up by questions well beyond my reach and which I would be better off not to think about... And then the most trivial object is going to engross this haughty spirit of mine: a green leaf, a ray of sun. What am I talking about? A vain thought, praise.

This is a horrible day. 1832

I AM ONLY FIFTEEN. My dear mother passed away because of that cholera. Uhhhh.... To whom will I turn for help!?

Oh, what day is today?

Haven't blogged for quite some time. I used to attend school at Metz.. but I caught Typhoid.. unfortunately. So, I had to stop. But luckily I had alot of books to keep me company! :) We are kind of going through a financial crisis right now.. I must admit and we have to sell this house we have in Preisch and in Metz too. NOW MY PARENTS ARE GOING TO SEPARATE AND SO WILL LOUIS AND I. :(( Why why why?? Now, I live with my mother in Paris and Louis is with dad.

Broken, this bond of ownership which attaches you even to places... family, position, home, everything has changed.... I hardly ever see now even one person known to me from my childhood.

December 25, 1829

a silent separation from everything I had any attachment to, so as to enter, alone, into the immensity of of the One whom I possessed for the first time. The moment I receieved Jesus Christ, it was as if everything I had seen on the earth, my mother included, was only a passing shadow.

.. and as I was returning to my mother, I heard a voice.. in my heart. :)

you will lose your mother but I shall be more than a mother. A day will come when you will leave everything you love in order to glorify me and serve this church which you do not know.